Black Exhaustion
A Raw Public Journal Entry
The State of the World
2020 was a year full of trials & tribulations. Earth-shaking, like an earthquake measuring at 8.0 on the Richter Scale of social unrest. Its effects have carried into 2021 & have been majorly exhausting, especially for black people.
Police have been abusing their power, mistreating & killing black people since their very inception. This has always affected the black community & seemed as if little to no one outside our cultural bubble cared to acknowledge or help address this issue. That seemed to have finally changed on May 25, 2020, when Officer Derek Chauvin illegally & inhumanely knelt on the neck of George Floyd for 8min46sec, while three accompanying officers assisted in unnecessary use of force to subdue Floyd for allegedly spending a counterfeit $20bill at a local grocery store. The entire world seemed to go silent as we all collectively watched a recording of the life escaping a man’s body as he called out to his long-deceased mother.
At this time it appeared as if white America had finally been forced to face the ugly reality the black community has known as everyday life for far too long. There was suddenly a surplus of collective anger & anguish, as white America asked how they could help & which resources they could use to become better allies. They walked arm-in-arm with us as allies street to street, city to city, in numerous states & countries, demanding justice for black lives & accountability for cops who constantly fail to abide by laws of legality & morality.
Add to this Donald Trump consistently dog-whistling his racist supporters to deny the very reality the black community is living & grieving through, while communities of color were (& still are) being affected by the COVID-19 Pandemic at an alarmingly higher rate than that of white communities. With all factors in play, it seemingly became a bit easier to identify allies. Everyone was either stating where they stood on the issue, be it with their vocalized allyship, their bootlicking with police, or their complicity in the form of silence. It’s no longer politics, it hasn’t been since 2016. Its long since been about humanity or lack thereof. It’s at this time I learned who my true friends were, as well as which brands & businesses deserved my money (Fuck yea, Ben & Jerry’s)!
Dating While Black
What I could’ve never predicted was how much murkier this was going to make the dating pool. The waters became more polluted than ever before, leaving many POCs to navigate blindly. In August of 2020 after many unthinkable & unexpected changes had occurred as a direct result of the COVID-19 Pandemic, I realized I can plan all I want, but in reality, I’m in control of so much less than I’d previously thought. I decided it was time to throw my timeline of what I wanted from life, when, out of the window entirely. I very reluctantly re-joined Tinder & began to actively date for the first time in nearly six years.
I’m a huge believer in accurately advertising ones’ self. I make it a point to let everyone I interact with know the core values of who I am. My identifiers as a person are as follows: Black Lives Matter, ACAB, LGBTQ+ ally & anti-Trump. These are very important for me to share with friends & even more so, a significant other. A miracle seemed to have happened…a girl so seemingly on board with all of these values came into my life & seemed to share them almost as passionately as myself. I met a girl named Becca, who was bi, had come out to her friends & family in 2019, had been the only active, white member of an NAACP chapter at her college in San Antonio, participated in BLM protests & often talked about how she played Fuck Donald Trump very loudly in her very white, very conservative work-neighborhood. Becca seemed to have strong liberal beliefs & ideology, yet had a strong conservative, pro-Trump family & best friend, all of whom still lived in San Antonio. While a lot of people wouldn’t even tolerate this, I tried to be openminded in the fact that she can’t dictate her family’s beliefs & the only reason she seemed to tolerate this from her best friend is cause she credited that same friend with saving her life twice in previous suicide attempts as a young adult. I’ve never seriously dealt with suicidal tendencies beyond quickly fleeting thoughts here & there, so I couldn’t possibly begin to empathize with seeing the humanity in someone beyond their political affiliation (even though I view any love of Trump as more than strictly political). I told myself ‘If she’s mostly friends with her, cause she feels she’d be dead without her, that’s understandable. Though love of Trump is a 100% deal-breaker for me, maybe it isn’t realistic of me to expect the same of everyone else I want to be in my life’. We’d dated for four months & as Christmas was coming up, we’d had casual conversations about meeting each others’ families.
While I was willing to meet her family, I felt it’d be ok, if done on my terms. While they would’ve provided a room for Becca & myself to board in, I’d have opted to stay in a neighboring hotel. I’d have tried my best to avoid any & all political prompts & simply do what I believe to be each persons’ unspoken duty when meeting a significant others’ family, which is to firmly assure them that I had Becca’s best interests at heart, would try my best to protect her physically, mentally & spiritually, as well as be her biggest cheerleader & teammate when it came to her aspirations & dreams, as I’d believed she’d do the same for me. After the initial meeting, I figured the hardest part would be out of the way & all that was to come afterwards would be the occasional “Hey, how’s it going?” via facetime. I’d never find out, cause we never made it that far…
A few weeks before Christmas, Becca notified me that her best friend came to town a few times a year, for a couple of days & stayed with her to catch up. Her friend wanted to come visit soon & Becca wanted us to hangout. I casually replied “Mmmmnothanks”. She seemed equal parts amused & puzzled, though I was very serious. It became a huge ‘thing’. She questioned why I didn’t care to meet or hang with her friend & I replied “We CLEARLY have political & moral differences & I’m not willing to put either of us in a situation where we’re forced to be fake or hold our tongues. If she feels a certain way, she should be able to speak freely, as should I, even if it opposes her views. There would be a tension that I don’t care to create, nor endure. I can’t in good conscience be around someone whom I feel unsafe around, being that their beliefs contradict my very existence & safety. It’s insanely unnerving & traumatic to be around people who don’t believe Black Lives Matter or see how Trump & law enforcement continue to disregard the rate at which black lives are disproportionately taken at the hands of police”. She continued to say she thought I was being unfair & should give her friend a chance, arguing that people of her stance can’t change unless they interact with open-minded people such as myself & feel a change of heart. I countered, “ In an unfair world, with clear biases not in our favor, there’s few places & spaces that the black community feel safe or valued, so why would I willingly allow myself to be in a situation that compromises my peace of mind? I mean, you, yourself, are bi & identify as part of the LGBTQ+ community, I’m not even certain how you’re able to be friends with someone who doesn’t even believe you deserve the same rights as them!? If you want to befriend someone like that, by all means that’s YOUR choice, but please don’t expect me to compromise my morals or comfort to make her feel better about being a morally corrupt person. Also, I don’t subscribe to the notion that prejudice people have to interact with others outside their bubble of bigotry to not be shitty people. I don’t have to prove I’m worthy of fairness & equality as a black person. My ancestors did that for me, I fucking am. It’s not a topic of debate, it’s simply a fact. If you have to be convinced people who look differently deserve human decency, maybe YOU’RE the problem, not them.”
It was at that moment the conversation seemed to come to a head & a bomb of cataclysmic proportions was dropped on me & the situation in it’s entirety. Becca began to tear up & said “I just think changing people like that through interaction is the best method of getting through to them, because I WAS one of those people. Yes, I voted for Biden/Harris this year, but before that, I’d voted for Trump.” To say I was simultaneously shocked & disgusted would be the understatement of eternity. I felt nauseous, disoriented, confused, full of rage, scammed…all of the feelings, every last one. In the moment, all I could force myself to let out was a breathy & disappointed “Woooooooow.” The betrayal I felt cut to my core. To have someone take advantage of my trust, knowing I would’ve never in a million years dated them, had I known that fact about them prior…I felt dirty, like I was somehow sullied because of something I had no knowledge of. The disrespect I felt of not being told this bombshell of a thing & not being given the consideration of choice in regards to it felt like the biggest betrayal I’d ever endured. She made one last argument, saying “I just don’t understand why you can’t give her a chance. If you wanted me to meet friends of yours who had different beliefs than mine, I could be uncomfortable, cause I care about you!” I argued, “Well, I guess that’s the difference between us, I’d NEVER ASK you to be around anyone that made you feel uncomfortable, because I care about you. I told you my dad & step mom are very anti-LGBTQ+, which doesn’t sit right with me, so I don’t even interact with them often because of that. I told you since that specific prejudice affects you & your community directly, by no means did you HAVE to meet them. In fact, I’d totally understand you NOT wanting to meet them & I wouldn’t make an issue of it! So why am I not being given the same consideration? Why is it a deal-breaker that I don’t want to meet your prejudice friend? A friend that you see a few times a year, at that. I’m friends with your core-friend group here that share similar beliefs & values, because I feel safe around them. I’ve ended 8+yr long friendships over people voting for Trump or dating people who voted for him & parrot his racist rhetoric, so why’s it so shocking that I won’t make an exception for your friend? Why can’t that just remain YOUR friend, why must we be friends with ALL of each others’ friends?” She stood, with her face covered in tears, silently. I angrily, concluded “You’re a grown woman, by no means can I tell you what to do, but this is seriously so lame & selfish, should you care to be considerate of others in the future, a few things…Maybe refrain from dating POCs if being friends with your bigotted friend is a deal-breaker or make that known upfront, NOT after two months of dating & four months of being in a relationship. Maybe, just maybe question your motives behind prominently displaying yourself at BLM marches, how can you believe Black Lives Matter, if black feelings don’t matter to you? Lastly maybe your allyship isn’t as strong as you’d like to think it is, if you can’t see how requiring a black person to be friends with someone who is anti-BLM, loves cops & loves Trump is tonedeaf, insensitive & dangerous. It’s people like you, who go out of their way to waste our time, that makes dating as a black person in times like these so frustrating. Thanks for wasting both of our time.”
Get Out
I left that relationship feeling used. Looking back, it feels as if I was not only mislead, but used as a black Guinea Pig of sorts, for some fucked up “woke” science project where Becca proved to herself ‘See, I’m not racist! People CAN change! Look how much I’ve changed…I voted for Trump, but now I’ve come out as bi, I’ve marched at a Black Lives Matter protest, I voted for Biden/Harris & I’m dating a black guy!’ I honestly don’t know any other way to feel. It’s only made me put my guard up higher than before, trust far less, become far more skeptical of peoples’ true intentions & even question if dating outside of my race is even a realistic possibility in 2021. I’ve began asking myself questions I never thought I would. ‘Wouldn’t it just be easier to date a POC? Do I feel like educating ignorant white girls about the biases that exist in favor of people that look like them? Do I feel like assuring my family in some unspoken way that this person can be trusted to be an ally & understands the responsibility that comes with dating me? Does this person understand everyone that comes into our orbit as a couple from here on out must be thoroughly vetted, cause my safety could depend on it?’
In Conclusion
Dating a POC, but more specifically, a black person nowadays is a responsibility of sorts, if you’re outside of that race, yourself. You must understand the constant dangers & inequalities we face or at least be willing to listen if you don’t understand. You must be willing to realize culturally things are different & there’s worse consequences for us. We just don’t have the same freedoms & liberties, even if this country would have you think otherwise. We as black people must think in defense of our lives at every second of the day, because we can sadly be taken advantage of or even killed, simply for existing in our own skin. If you don’t have that worry every waking moment of your being, then consider yourself lucky, realize the privilege you’ve been afforded & examine ways in which you can be the best ally to POCs you can be. Being white in today’s society, wanting to have friends of different races, date all ethnicities & wanting to partake of different cultures is NOT free. It comes at a price. The price of admission is true allyship, not this performative ‘I have my black friend over at family dinners’ or ‘Look at me, I posted a black square’ minimal-effort bullshit. What are you consistently, actively doing to disrupt the white status-quo of biased societal norms & let the world know where you stand? How are you taking baby steps in using white privilege on behalf of POCs, so that society as a whole can take bigger collective strides towards true ‘liberty & justice for all’? Is it comfortable? No. But it’s a privilege to live in occasional discomfort than constant fear for your life, ask your black friends, I’m sure they’ll agree. To be friends or romantic companions with a POC is a responsibility & if it’s not for you, no one’s blaming you, but don’t do us a disservice by acting as if you’re aware of said responsibility & willing to bear it, when you aren’t.
STORY BY: Trevor Thompson
(@interwebTREV)
