Mercedes Benz Friends Settling for KIA Soul “Soulmates”
Nothing hurts my heart more than seeing life present good people with things they don’t deserve, even worse, good people seeking out, settling for, or accepting things they don’t deserve. Lately, I’ve been struggling to come to terms with so many of my most cherished friends seemingly giving up on reasonable expectations of what they want for themselves & qualities they wish for their potential mate to possess.
I recently had an aunt pass away & though I hadn’t had any real meaningful contact with her since childhood, when we were neighbors, it still surprisingly affected me, my attitude & my personal productivity, ergo my absence from writing & illustrating. Not only am I plagued by the thought that I selfishly & lazily only made twenty seconds per month to post to her Facebook & repeatedly delayed a three hour car ride to Oklahoma to visit her, but I’m also deeply saddened that she spent the last years of her life settled into a marriage with a man whom she admitted she no longer loved.
My aunt & my two cousins moved to Oklahoma around 2006. There she re-married to a man significantly younger than herself. Though the sparks in their marriage faded fast, she stayed in a loveless marriage, fully devoted to a man who was never devoted to her, to avoid possibly upsetting or having behavioral issues with her youngest child, as she’d had years before with her eldest, which she attributed to his anger & confusion with her divorce from his father. Her entire life she did nothing but cater to & care for others, especially her children & ignorantly to a man who consistently made it clear that he couldn’t care less about her. She unfortunately passed from multiple health issues. At her funeral it became a grueling task to hide the disgust I felt watching her, now widowed, husband chain-smoke menthol cigarettes & crush them beneath his boots in the church parking lot. At the service I was overwhelmed with grief, looking at a time-capsule of photos of her life. Through tears & many pauses, I spoke a few words & admitted that while I felt guilt & shame for not making time for her while she was alive, I found a certain comfort in knowing that I could still see her face, clear as day, every time I looked at my cousins & I still had now to make time for them. Her own husband sat stone faced, drinking from a flask, fiddling with his phone & talked to his equally repulsive buddies, as if eagerly awaiting the end of a seemingly mandatory service. I was so baffled at how you could go throughout life with someone & feel nothing. How could you be so numb, so cold, during & even after the relationship ended, especially when they poured everything they had into caring for you?
So many things clicked into perspective. This isn’t new information. Life is short. I’ve assessed, accepted & continue to work daily to build my self-worth, so I refuse to spend time with people platonically or romantically that I feel bring my value down. I’ve had lots of positive loss over the past year, ridding myself of friends I believe were leeching off of my patience & kindness. Now my wish is for my current friends to do the same in their lives.
I have so many beautiful, brilliant, talented friends that refuse to quit dumpster-diving for love or blindly accepting the first option life presents to them in the form of companionship, I assume out of delusion & loneliness. It hurts because I see them following in the footsteps of my aunt. Omitting their own happiness & needs from what they once expected of life. The idea of emotionally & physically bankrupting ones’ self for someone who couldn’t be less grateful is so lost on me. What’s the appropriate manner to ask a friend to please value themselves more than their partner’s need for sexual gratification, ego or financial stability? Maybe it’s not my place, but I couldn’t truly call myself a friend if I didn’t tell each of them that I feel their choice or acceptance of partners in relationships was bringing down the property value of their personal being. I refuse to endorse emotional laziness & condone toxic relationships. I will also speak candidly of such, if asked. What we need to hear isn’t always what we want to hear & I’m willing to run the risk of upsetting a friend if what I’m saying could spare them from hurting themselves worse in the long run. The repetition of such bullshit amongst so many friends whom I know to be smarter is weighing heavily on me. Excuse me if I seem a bit removed.
STORY BY: Trevor Thompson
(@interwebTREV)
